What should I do in this relationship situation?

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Question by ylimE0100: What should I do in this relationship situation?
Okay, I need an unbiased outside opinion on this, people. Please only serious answers that are actually trying to help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and to make a long story shorter, I don’t know if I should stay with him or not. I know I should really talk to him about this, or at least a close friend or sister. But I don’t really want them to see this side of the relationship in case they read too much into it. That’s why I’m asking complete strangers.

I’m 19 and he’s my first boyfriend/romantic interest. He’s had girlfriends since he was in the seventh grade. He assures me that he hasn’t felt this way with anyone else before and that I am the one that he’s meant to be with for the rest of his life. He’s been telling me that “he loves me” since about a day after we made it “official”. And then I started soon after that since it felt weird to keep hearing it without response. To show the seriousness of it, he has asked how long is appropriate before we get engaged. (He said about 3 months. I had no answer for him because I hadn’t thought about it.) But I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is actually love or if it’s just the giddiness that comes with having a boyfriend. (And I know alot of you will say “just dump him and find someone else”, but like I said before, I’m 19 and and this is my first boyfriend. The boys aren’t just jumping at the chance to date me.)

Another issue that I have with this situation is that he talks about his past girlfriends often. Like really often. Most of the time it’s about how crazy (bad) they were, but still, I’d rather not hear their names because then it feels like he’s comparing me to them. But this isn’t that big of a deal.

Another thing, we’ve been physically intimate but have never gone all of the way. He has with other girls, so I assume that it’s not as big of a deal for him so he’s just waiting for the night I say “yes’. For me on the other hand, I’m still a virgin. And I am a devout Christian with strong Christian and God-like morals, so I did have it in my mind that I would wait until marriage. But I don’t want to come across as a prude. And make it seem that I don’t want to do it because I don’t like him. I also have no desire to break my morals and beliefs.

Another issue, he’s not into religion. And like I said before, I am. I’m trying to get him to see “the Light”, literally, but he made a comment the other day that rubbed me the wrong way about all “those religious people getting on his nerves.”

My last problem- we are from different social-economic backgrounds. I’ll say my family is firmly middle class, and his is lower to upper-lower class. So he’s never had alot of money. So I end up paying for everything when we’re together. Which I know isn’t a major problem and I’m happy to pay for stuff. But I am a very self-sufficient girl who works for the money that I have. I have about $ 12,000 in savings right now that I’ve saved up since I was about 5. I know it’s quite a bit, but I’m not going to blow through it. I am going through college right now. My pet peeve with this is that I always end up driving to where he is which is right now 3 hours away one way. And then I pay for gas, food, entertainment, and hotel rooms. It’s not unheard of to go through $ 400 for one weekend. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m serious. He eats quite a bit. And that’s about a 2 week paycheck. So it kind of hurts me a little bit to visit him all that often.

We have talked about this issue and he feels really bad about it. But he literally has about $ 10 to his name right now. He’s going through a job training program so he has no job or income. And he has about $ 5 in his saving account. A comment that he made was something about “But when we move in together, we’ll just combine our accounts, right?” The scared me a teeny bit because I don’t plan on combining accounts with anyone until at least marriage. It’s just the logical person inside of me, I guess.

After re-reading this, it sounds like he’s a horrible person (or I am), but I really do like him alot.
And we make each other really happy. I just need some opinions about whether I should look past those things or if it’s too much to look past. Usually I’m good at helping other people out with these problems, but when it’s my own problem, it’s a little harder to sort through.

If you’re still reading this, THANK YOU so much!!! I know it was a ton of information about a person you don’t know or really care about. But if you are still reading, could you spare an extra minute to comment on what your thoughts are? Any little thing helps. Really.

Again, thank you! And God Bless!

Best answer:

Answer by Ben Aich
it sounds like you already know the answer you are just waiting to hear it from other people. there is no reason to jump into this relationship with both feet and pull far more than your fair share of the weight when little is given in return. its great that you feel good around a person and they can cheer you up but thats the basis for a good friendship, not a romantic relationship. fron the sond of it you are a total type A personalty and he is type B. things are not going to change very much and you need to decide if the man (or boy) he is today is the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, or at least someone like this. get involved with a church in your college town, or an on campus christian group. it sounds like he has some more growing up to do and you are in a different place in life. long distance relationships are hard to begin with and you two are not equally yoked. let him go and move on with your life. find someone with the same beliefs as you, it will make a better foundation for your relationship and will leave less room for doubt. a cord of three strands is not easily broken. God Bless

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4 comments on “What should I do in this relationship situation?

  1. Oh girl…
    I will be honest here. It sounds like you are alot more intelligent and self sufficient than he is. This will get old real quick. You will start feeling resentment toward him that he can’t do anything for you and like you are doing more.. I mean, you ALREADY are.

    I was like you, middle class girl dating a guy in a trailer park who dropped out of school and was going to a state job training program. It was me who visited him and did everything. Well, I could do alot better than this guy but just didn’t believe it at the time because he was one of the first guys ever to show interest in me. I was too young to see that I’d end up later with a rich dating life, many guys to choose from and all of them more on my level with the smarts and money. But for some reason I felt I needed to hang around for this guy, mostly because HE seemed interested in me.

    Just remember, you don’t owe any guy ANY THING just because he shows romantic or sexual interest in you! It is not always genuine or from the heart. Alot of people get used, suckered and manipulated by falling for this. Don’t you be one of them.

    What especially alarms me is that you drive so far to see him and only on weekends. You really have no idea what he’s up to when you aren’t around. He talks about all these “past girlfriends” while you two are together. How do you know these aren’t actually CURRENT women he is seeing that you just don’t know about? sounds like he is saying alot of nice things to you and you are falling for it when I already KNOW (and I think you do too) that you can do so much better.

    Also, a great rule of thumb is… can he/does he do as much for you as you do for him? In ALL WAYS… the driving, the money, the paying for stuff etc etc… If a guy can’t do all the things you can do for him, something is up! Seriously! If it’s going on now, it sets the pace and expectation in the relationship that YOU will be doing it in the future too!

    Learn to trust your gut. If it feels weird, PAY ATTENTION. This is your “phone line” to God or Spirit (however you wanna see it). This is the very thing to pay attention to in any situation. If it comes up, HONOR it and start developing your intuition. It’s the warning sign from the other side that you need to pay special attention to this situation and possibly get out of it.

    Don’t go with this guy just cuz he is your first boyfriend… your statement about that indicates you are afraid to be alone and that you’d stay with someone who isn’t right for you just because of it. Alot of girls do this.

    I’m sorry, it is my opinion that (based on my intuition abilities) this guy is not for you. There is something amiss and you are too young to commit to him. You have alot going for you, and NEVER tell people about your savings. They need to like you for YOU and not your money or what things/resources you have that can benefit THEM.

    Everything for you will turn out fine, this is just not the guy for you. You can stay with him but in the long run you will end up wanting someone more in tune and on the same level as your intellect, smarts and financial stuff. This guy doesn’t know how to take care of himself yet and is looking to keep it that way awhile, and you are the perfect candidate in his life right now….so take a deep breath, slow it down and be smart.
    Maybe take a step backward and let HIM take the stage and show you what he’s willing to do.
    I wish you luck!

  2. hi .. Yillm first of all i just want to thank you for sharing your issue with us ..
    and second i want to say just a few things about your BF ..
    i am not saying that your bf is using you but lets see the fact ..
    you love him and i believe that love is the strongest bond between two human kind ..
    u have just know ed him for three months and right ? he had GF before .. are you sure that you are not just someone in his list ..
    he is taking your money and he is trying to combine your accounts together and he doesn’t have a job ..you work and he just eats from your efforts ..
    he hates those people who is too serious with their religion .. and he is trying to pull you off of your road ..
    if he loves you , why doesn’t he try to “see the light ” ?
    if he loves you , why he always talking about his past GF well .. he is upset because of his GF dumped him and he is so mad because maybe he done something wrong !!
    i mean you are 19 and still virgin and he is like a dog waiting to jump on you ..
    lets say you married together , would he be working on that time or just taking your money for no good??
    i mean how old is he ???? 24 , 25 ..
    what if he dumped you for another girl when you are still on your marriage..
    of course there is lot of doubts but if you want to delete them you just have to create some new methods just to be sure that he is ready to die for or work at least ..

    try to umm … lets say avoid getting engaged too soon try to do it after 1 or 2 years or maybe more .. just to see how much he could take you ???
    do some test in him , like do some troubles just to see his reaction ?
    i mean doesn’t in marriage happen some problems???

    you are trying so hard to keep your relationship ?? isn’t he doing anything for you to keep your friend ship for ever?? see my point just be care and don’t let his hands on you too easy be a hard girl ..
    okey ? i hope you just see my point of view .
    and sorry for any disturbing words that i say ..
    and remember and everything shines is GOLD.. ^ ^ i hope for your the best

  3. Sounds like you’re going through exactly what I’m going through, except I’m 23, I have $ 13,000 saved up, and the guy “I’m with” is my best friend, we’ve known each other for over 3 years… The big difference is we’re not actually together it’s just really complicated. I’m a strong Christian too. My guy is much like your guy, he makes me really happy. And yet thinking about the future I don’t know if all the good feelings I get from him would be strong enough to overcome the fact that my future with him would probably not be easy.

    You seem like a really smart girl, and I don’t just dish out that compliment to anybody. I’ll tell you what I think, but don’t necessarily follow it, just make sure you seriously think about it first.

    I think you need to find someone who at least shares a similar faith as you. It might not seem important now, but it will be later. Same with his financial situation. You work hard for your money and he shouldn’t be making you pay for everything like that… And he shouldn’t be making you feel jealous or guilty. And talking about his ex girlfriends is a really insensitive thing to do. The most important thing is to look down the road and seriously consider if he can get a great job and support you, or if he’ll settle for a low class job.

    I KNOW how you feel about him being your first boyfriend and all, it’s like that for me. I just want you to know that just because guys aren’t swarming to you now doesn’t mean another one won’t come along later. There will be problems in ALL relationships no matter what, but the most important thing is to find someone who is equal to you financially, mentally, spiritually, and someone who will give you the attention you need, and tend to you. Think about if this guy will fill that position.

    But before I say to break up with him, you’ve only been with him for 3 months… It’s not like you don’t have time to sort through things and see where it goes. Just be careful with his heart, guys are tough and seem like they aren’t emotional, but I think in the end, they hurt so much more than we realize.

    And hey, I don’t know you but I care. Anyways, take care, God bless you too. Hope you figure things out.

  4. red crayon circle

    Where to start…

    First of all you aren’t a bad person. At all. And he is moving REALLY fast. While there is no hard truth about how long is long enough to wait for marriage, I would say that you are incredible young and your relationship is incredibly new to be considering a life altering decision. This is an opinion I drew before I even got to the financial issue thing.

    Here’s the thing… This is the first guy you have ever been with and you have only dated for a short period of time. There are a lot of men out there that will tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you around. Sometimes it’s to get into your pants, sometimes it’s to get into your bank account and sometimes it is just for the thrill of knowing they can do it. I’m not saying he’s necessarily one of these guys but I’ve dated my fair share of them over the years and you very rarely know this is the case until it is too late.

    Here’s what you need to do. First of all, establish a budget. Decide what you have to spend on entertainment (dates, gas, eating out, whatever) and how much of that budget is going to be dedicated to time and money you spend on him. If you can only afford to spend say $ 200 a month on him then that’s what you do and if that means finding cheap or free things to do when you visit and eating tuna at home instead of going out, then that’s what you do and since he isn’t pitching in, he has no room to complain. I think this would be a good move for you to make even if you can afford more than that because it’s a great way to reassure yourself that he is most interested in spending time with you not in spending your money. It’s easy for him to say “what’s yours is mine” when he has nothing to bring to the table.

    As far as sex goes, I’m probably not the best person to ask advice on this because I don’t believe in saving sex for marriage because I think it causes people to make hasty decisions about who they marry but if you are invested in this moral path then you need to be wary about the possibility that he is talking about marriage because he thinks it’s the only way he will convince you to sleep with him.

    I don’t mean to go off on your boyfriend without really knowing him but with 20 years of dating experience under my belt I can tell you that this post sent up a lot of red flags.

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